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KEYZINE: An e-zine for LEADERS:
ABOUT THE PEOPLE PART OF BUSINESS
Volume 43, October 2004
    Publisher: © Key Associates, 2004
ISSN # 1545-8873
http://www.mkkey.com

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This Issue: On "Loss"

This is a monthly electronic magazine for anyone 
who wants to be a better leader, coach, facilitator, 
or simply, to tune up their people skills.  It is a 
complimentary publication, devoted to the next
evolution of Quality Thinking.

Contents:

T o everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to reap and a time to sow;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
-- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"What is remembered in all our work is what is 
still alive in the hearts and minds of others. "
-- David Whyte 

"Grief is the obverse of happiness. They are 
two sides of a single coin, and only the vulnerable 
know either."
           -- Irving Townsend

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WHAT'S HOT IN LEADERSHIP
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RECOGNIZING THAT BEGINNINGS AND 
ENDINGS ARE PART OF LIFE AND THEREFORE,
WORK. 

RESPECTING INDIVIDUALS' NEEDS TO 
PROCESS LOSS--WHETHER A JOB, A PLACE,
A LOVED ONE, OR AN ERA OF THE ORGANIZATION.

CREATING CEREMONY AND RITUAL AT 
LIFE'S DARKEST, AS WELL AS ITS BRIGHTEST, 
MOMENTS.

ALLOWING EMOTION ITS PLACE AT WORK.

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MAINTAINING YOURSELF AS A LEADER
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Let's face it: we don't do well with loss-- whether 
disaster, demise or death.  The easiest thing 
is to turn away from it.  Or to do the safe thing--
send flowers, a card, donate, fly the flag at half mast.  
Three days of consolation and bereavement, 
then back on the job.

Leaders are missing an important opportunity to coalesce 
their community.  Meaningful rituals create collective
remembrance, and allow healing to take place.  Unless
comings and goings are marked with ceremony, 
organizations will become fragmented and empty.  
People will not be able to latch on or let go, haunted 
by departed ghosts and fearful of what will happen 
next.  Help people move on.  

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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I have never felt very good about the way we manage
involuntary exits, whether through downsizing, 
firing, demotion, or urged resignation.  Any suggestions? 

In general, corporate entities do not see these as 
warranting ceremonial recognition.  Yet many of 
these lost employees have invested years of productivity 
in a career full of promise, just to have their dreams 
come to an abrupt end.  Some ritual of transition 
confers dignity upon the departing person, and also 
provides comfort and closure to those who remain.

One such event fell after a forced separation of 
a man who mentored many aspiring leaders in the 
organization.  Despite management's objection to 
a ceremony, the loyal followers planned a secret 
parting event.  As he packed his things, they stood 
in the foyer with food and flowers; when he arrived,
they toasted his memories and told stories about 
his influence.  When he turned to leave, all he 
mentored stood on either side of his path to the 
parking lot, hugged him or shook his hand, then 
turned to plant an evergreen tree--a living tribute.

Can you suggest formats for rituals of loss?

There are common elements to good ceremonies 
I have witnessed.  Often a circle of friends gather
in a sacred space.  There is a sharing of stories, 
memories, food and drink.  Symbols, props, 
memorabilia codify the past.  Music is often an 
element.  Sometimes there is stylized movement:
a progression, a standing, an act through symbols.  
For example, setting butterflies free at a Cancer Survivors
Day.  Or burning policies from the past in a tribute 
to a new organizational future.  There is a planned
agenda, but also room for spontaneity and emotion.

How can I be helpful to others experiencing loss?

* Seek out the person and communicate your concern for them.
* Be available to listen.
* Provide practical help.  Think of a concrete way to assist and do it.
* Avoid making judgments and telling a person how they should be feeling. 
* Be willing to dialogue about life and death.
* Reaffirm the value in your relationship with them.
* Be patient with the cyclical nature of the grief process--it can come and go for no apparent reason.

Understand there is no fixed time in which the bereavement
process is to be over.  Unprocessed grief has been known 
to be passed down 2 to 12 generations.  Depression of a 
person, a business, an economy often brings into clear light 
what is valuable.  Help people notice this.

How can some employees be asking for bereavement leave
over pet loss!

If you do a Google search on "Loss," after Weight and 
Hair Loss in frequency, comes Pet Loss citations--
all more prominent than Human Loss.  Even Miscarriages 
hold a leading place.  What about suicides then?  Who 
are we to dictate the meaning of what has been loved 
and lost by others?

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EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
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Assistance with designing corporate ritual and ceremony,
http://www.mkkey.com/Courses2/SpiritatWork.htm

Help with reactions to terrorism and major disasters
http://www.mkkey.com/Ezines/ezine6.htm

What is grief and how to help
http://www.couns.uiuc.edu/Brochures/grief.htm

Coping with loss, bereavement, and grief
http://www.nmha.org/reassurance/coping.cfm

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OTHER USEFUL WEBSITES 
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Audio on How to Support Someone Through Loss
http://www.ontrackseminars.com/supportthroughloss.htm

World prayers 
http://www.worldprayers.org/frameit.cgi?/archive/prayers/adorations/to_everything_there_is.html

Help employees cope with loss
http://www.aarp.org/griefandloss/employer.html

Grief support.  Poems, articles, memoirs.
http://www.grieflossrecovery.com/

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ARTICLES/PUBLICATIONS                              
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Books are linked to Amazon.com descriptions.

Briskin, Alan. The Stirring of Soul in the Workplace.

Deal, Terrence & Key, M. K.  Corporate Celebration:
Play, Purpose and Profit at Work.

Fox, Matthew.  The Reinvention of Work: A New
Vision of Livelihood for Our Time.

Fulghum, Robert.  From Beginning to End: The
Rituals of Our Lives.

Kreis, Bernadine . Up From Grief: Patterns of Recovery.

Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth.  Death, The Final Stage of Growth . 

Kushner, Harold S.  When Bad Things Happen to Good People.

Tatelbaum, Judy. The Courage to Grieve.

Wolpe, David.  Making Loss Matter: Creating 
Meaning in Difficult Times.

York, Sarah.  Remembering Well: Rituals for 
Celebrating Life and Mourning Death.