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KEYZINE: An e-zine for LEADERS:
ABOUT THE PEOPLE PART OF BUSINESS
Volume 46, January 2005
Publisher: © Key Associates, 2005
ISSN # 1545-8873
http://www.mkkey.com
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This Issue: "Having Difficult Conversations"
This is a monthly
electronic magazine for anyone
who wants to be a better leader, coach, facilitator,
or simply, to tune up their people skills. It is a
complimentary publication, devoted to the next
evolution of Quality Thinking.
Contents:
"I am a
human being; nothing that is human is
foreign to me."
-- Ancient
African Saying
"Truth spoken directly from
the heart and skillfully
illumined by the mind has a power that cannot be
eliminated."
--
Christopher Bach
"A mistake is an event the
full benefit of which
you have not yet turned to your advantage."
-- Edwin
Land, Founder of Polaroid
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WHAT'S HOT IN LEADERSHIP
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MASTERING THE ART OF DIALOGUE
RATHER THAN JUST "TELLING."
PARTNERING OVER PROBLEMS--THINKING
TOGETHER FOR SOLUTIONS.
SHIFTING FROM BLAME TO "WHAT
HAPPENED AND WHY?"
ACCEPTING BAD NEWS WITHOUT
THROTTLING THE MESSENGER.
SPEAKING THE TRUTH UP FRONT.
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MAINTAINING YOURSELF AS A LEADER
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In your leadership role, you are no doubt called on to
have conversations that are difficult--budget problems,
performance issues, ethical questions, terminations, etc.
Sleepless nights, fears of liability, retaliation,
embarrassment. Avoidance, third party consultation,
planning, rehearsing. Haven't you been there?
What if you could shift your mind to a frame
where the actors involved could have a healthy dialogue?
That brought a learning perspective to the situation.
In this frame, the audience or opposing parties become
your partners. Lean into the conversation, invite
their perspectives, and learn together. Then wire
the learnings into improvements.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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I dread having difficult performance reviews
or
confronting people problems. Advice?
If you avoid, you collude. Stone, Patton and
Heen have written a book that will help all
of us with these Difficult Conversations.
They suggest shifting from a "message stance"
to a "learning stance." This means inviting the
other person into the conversation to help us
figure things out.
You want to create an environment where each
others' stories can be told and heard. Where we
are curious and not judgmental. Where we
are safe to express feelings and share
our
viewpoints. The problem becomes the difference
between the stories, and as partners, we work
on collaborative solutions.
How do you shift from a "Culture of Blame?"
Change the language from "blame" to
"contribution."
All behavior occurs within a system, all parts of which
are by nature, interdependent. Each person involved has made
a contribution to the problem and owns some responsibility.
Begin exploring it that way.
The language shifts from being full of answers to
being full of questions. WHAT and HOW questions,
not WHO and WHY. Speaking from the "I" perspective,
not "You did...." Not RIGHT or WRONG, just
DIFFERENT. The practice of INQUIRY vs.
ADVOCACY (Peter Senge).
It is so easy to get competitive and fall into a
mindset
of winning at the conversation.
This is common in our culture, which applauds debate
and argument. Discussion--same root as percussion and
concussion.
Breathe and start the "dialogue" with an intention of a
Win-Win outcome. Then employ a tool called Structured
Discussion. Every party to the discussion uses Fisher and
Ury's model of saying "WHAT they believe and WHY
(logic trail, rationale, data for and against)." Increase
listening by having each speaker repeat the last person's
message to their satisfaction, before making their own
point. Go Round Robin until every person has made
their point and exposed their thinking.
If a solution is called for, use the skills of Mediation
(Keyzine, Volume 7) to form a Bridging Statement
that combines the interests of all parties. Brainstorm
solutions that optimize the interests, and select out
a plan, based on criteria you jointly set.
When I have bad news to deliver,
how do I start
the conversation?
Here are some introductions that have worked for me:
"I have some information that might be helpful to you."
"There's something going on with...Help me understand."
"I know you are concerned about...Here is what I think is happening."
"When you..., this seems to happen. I know it is not your intention."
"If I knew something that could help you be more
successful, would you like to hear about it?"
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EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
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Learn, Do, Check, Act: Online course on Conflict
http://www.cheetahpm.com/index_frame.asp?task=http://www.cheetahlearning.com/events/online/commconflict/overview.asp?group_id=25-commconflictonline
Training/consultation in managing
business relationships
http://www.vantagepartners.com/
Managing difficult conversations
http://www.triadcgi.com/html/about_difficult_conversations.html
Training in mastering difficult
conversations
http://www.quality-service.com/training/conversations.html
e-learning on managing difficult
conversations
http://www.hbsp.harvard.edu/b01/en/common/item_detail.jhtml?id=2829C
For assistance in Mediation and education on
Conflict Management, contact the author at
http://www.mkkey.com
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OTHER USEFUL WEBSITES
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Former Relevant Keyzines:
Volume
7, October 2001 - Mediating Conflict
Volume
30, September 2003 - Effective Listening
Volume
37, April 2005 - Dialogue: Thinking Together
Preparing to address a performance
problem
http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=34&aid=59156
The El Nino Syndrome: Culture of Blame
http://www.sideroad.com/cs/column30.html
Spiritual guidance for difficult
conversations
http://www.regent.edu/acad/schbus/maz/busreview/issue5/godlyguidance.html
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ARTICLES/PUBLICATIONS
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Books are linked to Amazon.com descriptions.
Bach, Christopher. Dark Night, Early Dawn, 2000.
Fischer, Roger and Ury, William. Getting
to Yes:
Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, 1991.
Leeds, Dorothy. The 7 Powers of Questions, 2000.
Levine, Stewart. The
Book of Agreement:
10 Essential Elements for Getting the Results
You Want, 2002.
Levine, Stewart. Getting
to Resolution: Turning
Conflict Into Collaboration, 2000.
Key, M. K. Creatively and Constructively
Managing Differences in Key, M. K.
Managing
Change in Healthcare: Innovative
Solutions for People-based Organizations,
1999.
Patterson, Kerry et.al.
Crucial Conversations:
Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, 2002.
Senge, Peter M. The Fifth Discipline, 1994.
Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce &
Sheila Heen.
Difficult Conversations, 1999.
