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KEYZINE: An e-zine for LEADERS:
ABOUT THE PEOPLE PART OF
BUSINESS
Volume
95, February 2009
Publisher: © Key Associates, 2009
ISSN #
1545-8873
http://www.mkkey.com/
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This Issue: On "Learning to Say No"
Contents:
"He who sows peas on
the highway does not get all his pods in the barn.”
- Greek Proverb
"No, naw, nope, nah, nay,
nix, no more, nothing doing.”
- Synonyms for No
"To avoid criticism, do
nothing, say nothing, be nothing.”
- Elbert Hubbard
"Let your yes be a clear yes,
and your no, no. All else spells trouble.”
- Jesus of Nazareth
DEFINING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES OF
ONE'S OWN SPACE.
PUTTING
A CURB ON NON-VALUE-ADDING
ACTIVITY FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR ENTIRE
SYSTEM.
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MAINTAINING YOURSELF AS A LEADER
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Here are two terms that have largely disappeared:
"workaholism" and "assertiveness." Both
are relevant to a current subject, the inability to
say "No." A leader's role can be replete with deadlines,
details, many meetings, and requests for your time
coming from every direction. Leaders can become
overcommitted, overwhelmed, overworked and under
pressure. It is easy to get sucked into non-priorities.
When you say "No," you are sending a strong
message that you value your time, you know
your priorities, and you have set your boundaries.
If you don't say this simple word when you want to
say it, you will lose control of your life (Bolton. p. 1986).
Say "Yes" to the right things. Stick to your plan.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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I have difficulty saying No. Why?
"No" can be a destructive word, potentially causing
embarrassment, damage to relationships and career.
It can hurt, anger or disappoint.
Look at our messages of growing up. We are socialized
to be acquiescent and compliant, accommodating, going
out of our way to be helpful. We should always be nice.
As a result, you overdo "Yes" because:
* You experience guilt.
* You feel you are being selfish or may hurt others' feelings.
* You have been taught to be the model of sacrifice and self-denial.
* You fear that you will hurt others.
* You fear that you will not be asked again.
* You fear rejection.
* You have a desire to please, to be nice.
* You have a desire to control.
* You need to feel important.
* You feel their time is more valuable than yours.
Got a formula for saying No?
Linda D Tillman, PhD has one, on her site,
www.speakupforyourself.com:
1. When someone makes a request, it is always OK to
*ASK FOR TIME TO THINK IT OVER*. In thinking
it over, remind yourself that the decision is entirely up to you.
2. Use your nonverbal assertiveness to underline the "No."
Make sure that your voice is firm and direct. Look into the
person's eyes as you say, "No." Shake your head "No,"
as you say, "No."
3. Remember that "No," is an honorable response.
If you decide that "No," is the answer that you prefer to give,
then it is authentic and honest for you to say, "No."
4. If you say, "Yes," when you want to say, "No," you
will feel
resentful throughout whatever you agreed to do. This costs you
unnecessary energy and discomfort.
5. If you are saying "No" to someone whom you would help
under different circumstances, use an empathic response to
ease the rejection. "I know it must be tough to find a sitter,
but I've already made plans for that time."
6. Start your sentence with the word, "No." It's easier to keep
the commitment to say, "No," if it's the first word out of your
mouth.
Are there principles for maintaining good relationships
while turning people down?
As William Ury (2007) says, exercise your power while
you tend to your relationships. He teaches us that "A Positive
No
begins with Yes and ends with Yes"-- a sandwich technique for
delivering bad news. Here are some positive touches
from other authors:
* Thank them for honoring you with the request.
* Use reflective listening, then say "No."
* Tell the truth. Let them down gently.
* Provide data and rationale (the Reasoned "No").
* Provide alternatives. Reroute the request.
* Avoid I'll try, maybe's, wishy-washiness that will confuse them.
* Defer--give it another place or time (the Rain check "No").
* Tell them what you can do for them.
* If you feel pressured or uncertain, buy time: "I'll get back to you."
* If it's your boss asking, you can
just say, "My plate is full.
Let's review my projects and decide what to change, so I have
time to add something" Then, review and reprioritize.
EXERCISES AND ACTION ITEMS:
* Assess your commitments and prioritize. Delegate where appropriate.
* Practice assertively saying "No"
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/tillman6.html
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EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
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Learn how to relieve stress by saying No, from the
Mayo Clinic http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stress-relief/SR00039
How to say No
http://www.getmoredone.com/tips6.html
Twenty ways to say No with appropriate phraseology
http://www.onlineorganizing.com/ExpertAdviceToolboxTips.asp?tipsheet=16
Key Associates offers Leadership
Training in
Time Management, Planning and Prioritizing,
Delegation, Dealing with Difficult People, and
Managing Stress. Contact us at:
1-888-655-3901 or keyassocs@mindspring.com.
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OTHER USEFUL WEBSITES
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Assertive vs. aggressive or unassertive No's
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/tillman6.html
Rearranging your mental furniture about saying No
http://www.counsel.ufl.edu/selfHelpInformation/personalPower/how_to_say_no.aspx
Additional tips on how to say No
http://www.wholeliving.com/article/how-to-say-no
Former Keyzines on related topics:
Volume 16, July
2002 - Dealing with Difficult People
Volume 22, January
2003 - Personal Change
Volume
32, November 2003 - Renewing Ourselves
Volume
46, January 2005 - Having Difficult Conversations
Volume
54, September 2005 - Minding Manners
Volume 57, December
2005 - Stress Management
Volume
69, December 2006 - Changing Habits
Volume 86, May
2008 - Civility
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ARTICLES/PUBLICATIONS
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Alberti, Robert E. Your
Perfect Right: Assertiveness
and Equality in Your Life and Relationships.
Impact Publishers, 2008.
Bolton, Robert. People
Skills: How to Assert Yourself,
Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts. Touchstone, 1986.
Breitman, Patti & Connie Hatch. How
to Say No
Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time,
and What Matters Most to You. Broadway, 2001.
Fensterheim, Herbert & Jean Baer. Don't
Say Yes
When You Want to Say No: Making Life Right
When It Feels All Wrong. Dell, 1975.
Grzyb, Jo-Ellen & Robin Chandler. The
Nice Factor:
The Art of Saying No. Vision, 2008.
Neuhauser, Peg, Ray Bender & Kirk Stromberg.
I
Should Be Burnt Out By Now...So How Come I'm Not.
Wiley, 2004.
Newman, Susan. The
Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It
-- And Mean It and Stop People-pleasing Forever.
McGraw-Hill, 2006.
Smith, Manuel J. When
I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
Bantam Books, 1985.
Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, & Roger Fisher.
Difficult
Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most.
Penguin, 2000.
Thaler, Linda Kaplan & Robin Koval. The
Power of Nice:
How to Conquer the Business World With Kindness.
Doubleday Business, 2006.
Ury, William. The
Power of a Positive No: How to Say No
and Still Get to Yes. Bantam Books, 2007.
