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      KEYZINE: An e-zine for LEADERS:
     ABOUT THE PEOPLE PART OF BUSINESS
                 Volume 46, January 2005
    Publisher: © Key Associates, 2005
              ISSN # 1545-8873
           http://www.mkkey.com

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This Issue: "Having Difficult Conversations"

This is a monthly electronic magazine for anyone 
who wants to be a better leader, coach, facilitator, 
or simply, to tune up their people skills.  It is a 
complimentary publication, devoted to the next
evolution of Quality Thinking.

View Earlier Issues

Contents:

"I am a human being; nothing that is human is 
foreign to me."
           -- Ancient African Saying

"Truth spoken directly from the heart and skillfully
illumined by the mind has a power that cannot be
eliminated."
           -- Christopher Bach 

"A mistake is an event the full benefit of which 
you have not yet turned to your advantage."
           -- Edwin Land, Founder of Polaroid 

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WHAT'S HOT IN LEADERSHIP
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MASTERING THE ART OF DIALOGUE
RATHER THAN JUST "TELLING."

PARTNERING OVER PROBLEMS--THINKING 
TOGETHER FOR SOLUTIONS.

SHIFTING FROM BLAME TO "WHAT 
HAPPENED AND WHY?"

ACCEPTING BAD NEWS WITHOUT 
THROTTLING THE MESSENGER. 

SPEAKING THE TRUTH UP FRONT.

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MAINTAINING YOURSELF AS A LEADER
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In your leadership role, you are no doubt called on to 
have conversations that are difficult--budget problems, 
performance issues, ethical questions, terminations, etc.  
Sleepless nights, fears of liability, retaliation, 
embarrassment.  Avoidance, third party consultation, 
planning, rehearsing.  Haven't you been there?

What if you could shift your mind to a frame 
where the actors involved could have a healthy dialogue? 
That brought a learning perspective to the situation.  
In this frame, the audience or opposing parties become 
your partners.  Lean into the conversation, invite 
their perspectives, and learn together.  Then wire 
the learnings into improvements.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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I dread having difficult performance reviews or 
confronting people problems.  Advice? 

If you avoid, you collude.  Stone, Patton and 
Heen have written a book that will help all 
of us with these Difficult Conversations.   
They suggest shifting from a "message stance" 
to a "learning stance."  This means inviting the 
other person into the conversation to help us 
figure things out.

You want to create an environment where each
others' stories can be told and heard. Where we 
are curious and not judgmental.  Where we 
are safe to express feelings and share our
viewpoints.   The problem becomes the difference 
between the stories, and as partners, we work 
on collaborative solutions.


How do you shift from a "Culture of Blame?"

Change the language from "blame" to "contribution."  
All behavior occurs within a system, all parts of which 
are by nature, interdependent.  Each person involved has made 
a contribution to the problem and owns some responsibility.  
Begin exploring it that way.

The language shifts from being full of answers to 
being full of questions.  WHAT and HOW questions, 
not WHO and WHY.  Speaking from the  "I" perspective, 
not "You did...."  Not RIGHT or WRONG, just 
DIFFERENT.  The practice of INQUIRY vs. 
ADVOCACY (Peter Senge).


It is so easy to get competitive and fall into a mindset 
of winning at the conversation.

This is common in our culture, which applauds debate 
and argument.  Discussion--same root as percussion and 
concussion.

Breathe and start the "dialogue" with an intention of a 
Win-Win outcome.  Then employ a tool called Structured 
Discussion.  Every party to the discussion uses Fisher and 
Ury's model of saying "WHAT they believe and WHY 
(logic trail, rationale, data for and against)."  Increase 
listening by having each speaker repeat the last person's 
message to their satisfaction, before making their own 
point.  Go Round Robin until every person has made 
their point and exposed their thinking.

If a solution is called for, use the skills of Mediation 
(Keyzine, Volume 7) to form a Bridging Statement 
that combines the interests of all parties.  Brainstorm 
solutions that optimize the interests, and select out 
a plan, based on criteria you jointly set.

 

When I have bad news to deliver, how do I start 
the conversation?

Here are some introductions that have worked for me:

"I have some information that might be helpful to you."

"There's something going on with...Help me understand."

"I know you are concerned about...Here is what I think is happening."

"When you..., this seems to happen. I know it is not your intention."

"If I knew something that could help you be more successful, would you like to hear about it?"

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EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
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Learn, Do, Check, Act: Online course on Conflict
http://www.cheetahpm.com/index_frame.asp?task=http://www.cheetahlearning.com/events/online/commconflict/overview.asp?group_id=25-commconflictonline

Training/consultation in managing business relationships
http://www.vantagepartners.com/

Managing difficult conversations
http://www.triadcgi.com/html/about_difficult_conversations.html

Training in mastering difficult conversations
http://www.quality-service.com/training/conversations.html

e-learning on managing difficult conversations
http://www.hbsp.harvard.edu/b01/en/common/item_detail.jhtml?id=2829C

For assistance in Mediation and education on 
Conflict Management, contact the author at
http://www.mkkey.com


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OTHER USEFUL WEBSITES 
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Former Relevant Keyzines:
Volume 7, October 2001 - Mediating Conflict 
Volume 30, September 2003 - Effective Listening
Volume 37, April 2005 - Dialogue: Thinking Together

Preparing to address a performance problem
http://www.poynter.org/column.asp?id=34&aid=59156

The El Nino Syndrome: Culture of Blame
http://www.sideroad.com/cs/column30.html

Spiritual guidance for difficult conversations
http://www.regent.edu/acad/schbus/maz/busreview/issue5/godlyguidance.html


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ARTICLES/PUBLICATIONS                              
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Books are linked to Amazon.com descriptions.

 

Bach, Christopher.  Dark Night, Early Dawn, 2000.

Fischer, Roger and Ury, William.  Getting to Yes: 
Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, 1991.

Leeds, Dorothy.  The 7 Powers of Questions, 2000.

Levine, Stewart.  The Book of Agreement:
10 Essential Elements for Getting the Results 
You Want, 2002.

Levine, Stewart.  Getting to Resolution: Turning 
Conflict Into Collaboration, 2000.

Key, M. K. Creatively and Constructively 
Managing Differences in Key, M. K. 
Managing Change in Healthcare: Innovative 
Solutions for People-based Organizations,
1999.

Patterson, Kerry et.al.  Crucial Conversations:
Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, 2002.

Senge, Peter M.  The Fifth Discipline, 1994.

Stone, Douglas; Patton, Bruce & Sheila Heen.  
Difficult Conversations, 1999.