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     KEYZINE: An e-zine for LEADERS:
   ABOUT THE PEOPLE PART OF BUSINESS
             Volume 16, July 2002
    Publisher: © Key Associates, LLC, 2002
           http://www.mkkey.com

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This Issue is on "Dealing with Difficult People"

Contents:

• What's Hot in Leadership
• Maintaining Yourself as a Leader
• Frequently Asked Questions from Leaders
• Educational Opportunities
• Useful Websites
• Articles/Publications

    
"Never get angry. Never make a threat.  Reason 
with people."
                            -Don Corleone, The Godfather

"Speak softly and carry a big stick."
                                      -Conventional Wisdom

"It's no use walking anywhere to preach unless 
our walking is our preaching."
                                       -St. Francis of Assisi

"To change our perspective in a conflict is to
move from a point of view to a viewing point.."
              -Thomas Crum, The Magic of Conflict

"Don't sweat the small stuff (but then it's all 
small stuff)."

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WHAT'S HOT IN LEADERSHIP
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SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND RATHER 
THAN AFFIX BLAME.

SEEING YOURSELF IN A COMPLEX
NETWORK OF RELATIONSHIPS, THE 
INTERDEPENDENCE OF WHICH IS FELT 
BY ALL ITS MEMBERS.  YOUR MOTIONS
AFFECT ALL.  YET YOU ARE NOT THE 
CAUSE OF EVERYTHING.

LEARNING TO DANCE WITH CONFLICT, 
WITHOUT DOMINATING OR INSISTING
ON BEING RIGHT.  

ACKNOWLEDGING AND APPRECIATING 
THE RICHNESS OF DIFFERENCES.

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MAINTAINING YOURSELF AS A LEADER
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From time to time, everyone gets on someone's
nerves.  No doubt, you have a subset of human 
interactions that are unpleasant on some account.

Your life is designed by choices.  Is this an 
interaction you choose to improve in quality?  If so, 
calming and distancing yourself is the first step 
to objectivity.  Take a one-minute vacation, 
a few deep breaths, and get out of the heat of 
emotion.

You have to change, to change the dance.  Return, 
align with them, and place your intent on redirecting 
the negative energy.  Can you language a 
successful future for the relationship?  "I want
us to be successful at _____________." 
Then dance toward it.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
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The toughest thing to handle for me is "snipes."
How do I respond to "zingers" and cutting
comments? 

Never let the words pass without surfacing the 
remark(s) for a review.  "That felt like a put-down
..did you really mean to say what I thought 
I heard?" Be willing to get whatever the 
message is, but draw the line on offensive 
language.

We have a rash of chronic whining.  How can 
I put a stop to it?

In an earlier issue, we described holding
a WHINE-AND-CHEESE party, where
it's agreed that the participants may moan 
and groan, but after it's over, it's over.
Move on to solutions.

In general, don't agree/disagree, but get
specifics.  Shift the discussion to involve 
them in problem-solving.

Our work environment is full of untruths
told by know-it-alls and gossipers.  I don't
wish to play this game--how do I change
it?

Be factual; ask for the data.  Check it out 
immediately.  "Do you know that for a fact? 
How could we find out?  Who would know?"  
Disclose your own perception of reality. 
Agree on a process to discover the facts, 
in a way that tries to save face.

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EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITIES
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CHANGING THE GAME: EFFECTIVE 
STRATEGIES FOR DIFFICULT PEOPLE
is taught by Key Associates.  Have a closer look:

http://www.mkkey.com/Key%20Associates/ChangingtheGame.htm 

Because our effectiveness as leaders and 
team members depends on the appropriate 
management of differences, we need to learn 
how to get comfortable with conflict -- and 
master proven ways to manage differences.

CONFLICT AND THE ART OF INTERVENTION

http://www.mkkey.com/Key%20Associates/Conflict&ArtofIntervention.htm 

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OTHER USEFUL WEBSITES 
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(Not researched this month)

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ARTICLES/PUBLICATIONS                              
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(These are highly-rated books from Amazon.com.
I have provided links--you be the judge on content.)

Axelrod, Alan & Holtje, Jim.  201 Ways to Deal With Difficult People, 1997.

Brinkman, Rick & Kirschner, Rick. Dealing With People You Can't Stand, 1994.

Crowe, Sandra A.  Since Strangling Isn't an Option...: Dealing With Difficult People-Common Problems and Uncommon Solutions, 1999.

Gill, Lucy.  How to Work With Just About Anyone: A 3-Step Solution for Getting Difficult People to Change, 1999.

Goodman, Alan.  Basic Skills for the New Mediator, 1994.

Kava, Roberta.  Difficult People: How Deal With Impossible Clients, Bosses and Employees, 1997.

Lloyd, Ken.  Jerks at Work: How to Deal With People Problems and Problem People, 1999.

Markham, Ursula.  How to Deal With Difficult People, 1998.

Oxman, Murray.  The How to Handle Difficult People Handbook: Everything Problem-People Don't Want You to Know, 1997.